i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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