Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
