What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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