just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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