How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
why do cheetos always look like penises
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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