she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
