So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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