38 yer olds are good kisserssss
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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