even my farts smell like vagina
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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