Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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