you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
