Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I believe in your delicious
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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