My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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