My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
