i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
