I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
