Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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