I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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