what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
