Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
