Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
love makes seman taste better
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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