Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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