After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I want her autograph on my taint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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