last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
