just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
