I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
