apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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