It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
