What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
