Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
