i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
