don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize