Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
