She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
