We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
