When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
