the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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