I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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