The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
