i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
