help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
