@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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