Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
