two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
