im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
