God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
