I faked an abortion last night.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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