a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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