I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
