There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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