i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my sisters under your porch take her home
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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