So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
