im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
