The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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