I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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