Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
