I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
