I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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