There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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