So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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