if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
