i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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